Written by GingersEgho
My opinions are my own and based on personal experience.
How do you tell an 8-year-old child that their father has died, let alone died by suicide? Things were much different in 1988. I will never forget that day, what I was doing, where I was…everything about that day up until the moment I found out, is ingrained in my memory. After being told is a different story.
I knew something was immediately wrong when I saw my Aunt that day. She never left the house unless she was put together and on this day, she looked a mess. I don’t exactly remember what was said, but what I do know is it was tunnel vision for days after that. Nothing made sense. Unfortunately, death would be a common theme in my life. I have been to far too many funerals, sadly.
This one event shaped who I was, how I thought, how I felt, and how I looked at relationships for a very long time. Losing a parent that young sucks. At the time, I was a broken little girl. I felt like it was my fault. If he loved me how could he abandon me unless it was my fault? You can’t make an 8-year-old understand. You just can’t…no matter what you say. (Speaking from personal experience.) It wouldn’t be until I was an adult to understand that his choice had nothing to do with me.
My dad’s birthday just happens to be November 25th, so ever so often…you guessed it. Thanksgiving on my Dad’s birthday. Those years were especially hard. Truth be told, I still struggle. The pain never goes away. I am NOT saying in any way that losing a parent another way is easier, but when someone commits suicide, There are so many unanswered questions. You second-guess everything you said and did with that person.
Was there something I could have done? Did I miss something? Did they ask for help and I just didn’t see it? Those questions absolutely cannot be answered. Trying to figure it out will drive you insane. Not every situation is the same. No one comes to the decision of suicide unless they feel like it is the only way out of their hell.
You can’t tell me that my Dad thought about me and how his decision would affect me for the rest of my life. It wasn’t about me or leaving me. It didn’t have anything to do with me. At that very moment, he felt it was his only decision.
There are many resources out there. PLEASE, if someone you know is considering suicide, talking about it, or thinking about it…please reach out to someone.
You are not alone. You are loved. You matter!
Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-TALK (800-273-8255)
or Text TALK to 741741
#BreakTheStigma #StopSuicide #Suicide Prevention #AFSP
Until next time…